DISCLAIMER: THESE ARE MY PERSONAL THOUGHTS
Probably everyone who knows me will probably know how I’m a somewhat die-hard romantic, which is true. For the life of me I cannot see cute couples irl without spasming in glee because ohmyGOD so cute. And my friends who know me fairly well should also be (painfully) aware of how I adore- and I mean ADORE- teasing them about their SOs or crushes or so on. (and I’m bloody good at it.) Heh heh heh. (this may come back to bite me in the ass BUT WHO CARES, yolo, carpe diem, whatever.) But yknow, I’ve come to realise over the past few months in JC, what with the sudden boom of couples and BOYS and whatnot, that I don’t really believe in the concept of love, for myself, at least.
It’s ridiculously ironic, even to me, because I actually ENJOY seeing people fall and be in love, and I enjoy the NOTION of love, yet, I don’t believe in it that much. I don’t think that sentence even made sense. (hell, I even enjoy writing about love where is the logic)
Anyway, I don’t know exactly what made me feel this way- I kinda just sat down and thought about it and it hit me, I guess? LOL. Okay, I’ve experienced my own fair share of crushes and whatnot, but I realised my feelings were often really REALLY superficial. Like I’d be thinking “wow it’d be totally AWESOME if that guy liked me” but then I’d think “a relationship? I don’t want that” WHICH IS ALL LEVELS OF WRONG IMHO I don’t know what was wrong with me. (note my past tense of “was”. I’d like to think I’ve progressed from that.)
Yeah, so, okay, now I’m not as superficial. But this brings me to my feelings about romantic relationships. Right now I DON’T SEE THE POINT. (emphasis on “right now”) Seriously. Look at it this way, okay. Assuming you’re a girl, you get together with this dude and WOW it’s all fairytales and sparkles and we will be tgt4evur and you invest SO MUCH in this relationship and you become super close and share everything and blahblahblah you get my point. Yeah.
AND THEN YOU BREAK UP.
And what happens then? I think I’d be totally lost. Not because I’m overdependent on this fictional ex-lover, but more because I’d have lost someone I deeply cared about. I’ve lost quite a number of people I’ve cared about over the past years, and honestly, losing people I love is the number one thing that absolutely destroys me inside. And I question how I’d be able to handle it if I had to lose someone I’d fallen in love with. (this sounds like I’m scared of committing omg) But really, I just can’t seem to comprehend why I’d get involved with something as fragile as love. Especially now. (and OH MY GOD you have to spend so much time? AND MONEY?? I think my parents would kill me. How do people hide relationships??)
And this is exactly why I don’t understand people who go like “I want somebody to looooove and love me baaaaaaack” etc etc. (Okay, guys, I know I say I want a boyfriend occasionally, but tbh I don’t mean it and when I do, it’s for superficial reasons HAHA I’m terrible.) And really, you don’t need a SIGNIFICANT OTHER to make you happy!! Like why would you want to put yourself through so much heartbreak when you can be living a lovely single life with friends? Hey, I think my life’s pretty okay now. (Well. Not that I have much of a life. But let’s ignore that.)
Buuuuuut I think this is just me. And I’ll probably grow out of it, who knows? And it’s not like I completely don’t believe in love. I just find it hard to believe it when it comes to me. Hehe. I am a ridiculously staunch supporter of my friends being in love or falling in love because they are just. So. Cute. (And heaven help anyone who hurts the hearts of my friends because I will end you (I am digressing.) ). Maybe this is because of my somewhat idealised view on romance. As silly as it sounds, I do want my first to be my last? I don’t knooooow. Oh well. As my friend told me “maybe you just haven’t met the right person” and maybe I haven’t. Maybe one day I’ll meet someone who makes me think y’know, maybe all this emotional pain and stress will be worth it. Because he’ll be worth it.
I guess we’ll see. (: